New Beginnings.

Dearest Elijah,

I had a really good time with you tonight. The best we've had in a long time, I think. You see, lately, in my heart, I feel like I haven't been a "good mama." Ever since Saul was born I feel like I've neglected you. Like all I ever do is yell at you. I'm sorry. I've spent so much time regretting how our relationship has changed. In the past few months I've started to feel like I've failed somewhere. But tonight I realized that I can change things and that only I can change things. All of this time I've been trying to change you. To mold you, and fit my expectations. But you have your own personality. You are who you are and it isn't fair to try to make you different. Deep down I just want you to be well behaved, but I think my temper is too short and my expectations are too high. You are only four years old.

Tonight, instead of leaving you to watch cartoons alone (something I swore I would never do) I decided to embrace you. To love you and be with you like I used to.. So I talked to you with love in my voice. As though we were friends. I engaged you to be my helper in the kitchen. Such a simple thing. I taught you how to clean the table and wash and rinse dishes. You loved it. You kissed me unprompted. It made my heart soar!

Elijah, I am starting this blog because I need something to hold me accountable. I want to be a better mother. I don't want to have any regrets. I want to experience our relationship from the heart. Now that Saul is turning one I think I can do this. For the both of you. I will be more fully present with you. I will approach our situations with love. And while I still have certain expectations of you, I vow to embrace who you are . To work with your personality instead of against it. Because you make life worth living. Because being here with you is a miracle.